You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
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baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Ok, but like, how married are you?
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
That lamp looks PISSED.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Pigeon open mic night.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.