– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
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[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*