Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
You Might Also Like
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will