Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
You Might Also Like
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Passed by a old school Math example today.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”