MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
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If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.