I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
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#gardening
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.