When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
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I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.