boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
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Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Damn what did I do next
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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3.
4.
5.
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7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.