Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
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My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Omg 🤣
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Guy who likes music
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Note to self: I am a note
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look