I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
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Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER