Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
You Might Also Like
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..