I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
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Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
🤣🤣
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Word!
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right