First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
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6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
I think my mom just blocked me
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.