STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
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she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Breaking news:
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
How your email finds me
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.