Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
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DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Hey Fugeddaboutit
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet