Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
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I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective