*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
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me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.