I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
You Might Also Like
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Reporter: *ports again*
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho