Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
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The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree