My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
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aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
With this onion ring, I thee fed
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir