Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
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I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
The dark side of Canada
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.