Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
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COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Science memes
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Not messing around
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.