Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
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Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
This is so me 😂😂
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that