You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
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Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet