My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
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why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.