Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
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“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.