If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
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The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.