Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.

I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.

I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”

my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid

GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*

Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.

this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!

I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!

My son 🙋🏽‍♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”

That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.

“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.

3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed

Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*

Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.

I’m about to make it rein, deer.

(Please don’t block me.)

Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person

Friend: really?

Me: well apparently not

[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*

CHINESE WAITER: what

Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot

Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.

I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.

Its a hippotatomus

friend: what day is it today

me: it’s mar 10

friend: like mario!

me: itsa mar 10

Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!

Me: Nothing in the second?

Her: No, I skipped a period.

Me:

Her:

Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode

Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.

How to woo a woman

Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.

Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.

Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.

*Decision made

I was thinking of being narsysistic.

But I can’t spell it.

So I’m going to be vein.

Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen

[first date]

HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.