my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
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professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
#JohnTravolta
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What