Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
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Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots