Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
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My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Alexa: *deep breath*
I think my mom just blocked me
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’