Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
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If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.