It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
You Might Also Like
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Mouse
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Lassie, get help!
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.