mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
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Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.