Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
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Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.