Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
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The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.