I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
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due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Lol
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
WTF
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME