I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
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Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?