Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
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Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back