*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
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[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
two people or more is called a problem
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Body by sandwich.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years