damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
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I’m about to risk it all
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
As the Lord intended
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like: