Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
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Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Bloody internet 😳
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats