There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
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You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.