150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
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12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.