FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
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Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Bread puns are on the rise!
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
The future is now.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely