Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
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Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Seems legit
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Herpes is trending, good job people