Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
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This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
These are too funny not to post 😂
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.