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“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Room with a view.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares