My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
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I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
so i’m at the stock market right
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”