None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
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My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”